Google Places

Google Places:

'via Blog this'

Why do I always feel so fat?

Why do I always feel so fat?

            Studies have shown that people with an eating disorder are more likely to have parents with alcoholism or substance abuse than are those in the general population. Well, I fall in this category. I grew up with a mother who drank a lot and was overweight, I told myself I would never let myself get like that. I had a father that wasn’t around often but when he was around him all he did was smoke crack and drill into my head that looking good and going to the gym should be your priority in life. I never had I clear image of what a “normal” body should be. Negative influences within the family may play a major role in triggering eating disorders.

About 30-70% of all patients with an eating disorder also struggle with a substance abuse or alcoholism. This is one of many impulsive behaviors I’ve used while dealing with my eating disorder. Starting at age 16 I developed what I called “the coke diet”. This diet not only worked wonders but also helped me feel numb and feel skinny. I remember every time I would feel hungry I would immediately run to the bathroom and do a line. No one noticed for a while until it started to become an addiction and I would look like a skeleton. Even when I knew I looked way to skinny and was underweight I still felt fat. These past few years of my life have been the hardest I’ve ever had to overcome. I have been fighting to stay off drugs day in and day out. I recently figured out that more than 95% of all of my relapses have been because I have felt fat or I was satisfied how I looked in the mirror. I never thought that wanting to be thinner was a problem until I started abusing drugs so that I could get as skinny as I want. When I was at 102lbs this past Christmas that’s how I wanted to look and how I wanted to stay. Everyone said I was too skinny, but to me there is never too skinny.

A group of studies regarding anorexia one fourth and one half of individuals with bulimia, “drank once or several times a week” or “had evidence of a problem of street drugs”. The numbers increased when a group of studies did this review on woman only. Many people with an eating disorder will use things like caffeine, neurotics, tobacco, cocaine and heroin to help in weight control through appetite suppression and increased metabolism. Others have found that those who have an eating disorder self-medicate with drugs and alcohol when they have negative emotions, or are feeling low about their body image. There are still other researchers trying to find out a third disorder that causes the other two, or underlying risk factors and characteristics that are the same for both. Both disorders are found in individuals that are suffering from stress, that have a family history of eating disorders, that may be impulsive, and that have low self-esteem or are depressed.

It used to be that treatment for a patient with dual diagnosis primarily focused more on the substance abuse side. Physicians were under the impression that if someone had both an eating disorder and were using drugs, they needed to take care of the drug problem first and then take care of the eating disorder. But today things have changed tremendously. Doctors are finally realizing that co-occuring conditions greatly affect each other, in order to trat  the one you have to acknowledge and work constantly at the other.Both substance abuse and eating disorders can be treated. Through therapy and counseling, and treatment facilities will be able to help patients recover from both.

            There is no single cause for eating disorders Although weight and body image issues play a role in all eating disorders, the actual cause of these disorders appear to result from many factors, including cultural and family pressures and emotional and personality pressures. Genetic and biological factors may also play a role. Doctors have said that anorexia is 8 times more common in people who have relatives with the disorder, and some doctors believe that genetic factors are the root cause of many eating disorders. I can only think of one cousin that had an eating disorder, she had bulimia and was hospitalized many times for this. She went through treatment several times and today she is doing really well.

Hormonal abnormalities are common in eating disorders and include chemical abnormalities in the thyroid, the reproductive regions, and areas related to stress, well-being and appetite. Many of these chemical changes are a result in malnutrition f other aspects of eating disorders, but they also play a role in perpetrating or even creating susceptibility to the eating disorder. The primary setting of these abnormalities originate is a small area of the brain called the limbic system. This is a specific system called the hypothalamic pituitary-adrenal axis.(HPA) Hypothalamus is a small structure that plays a role in controlling our behavior, such as eating, sexual behavior and sleeping, and regulates body temperature, emotions, secretion of hormones and movement. The pituitary gland is involved in controlling our thyroid functions, the adrenal glands, growth ande sexual maturation. The amygdale is a small almond shaped structure that lies deep in the brain and is associated with regulation and control of major emotional activities such as anxiety, depression, aggression, and affection.

The HPA systems trigger the production and release of stress hormones called glucocorticoids, including the primary stress hormone called cortisol. Chronic levels if stress chemicals have been found in bulimic and anorexic patients. The HPA system also releases certain neurotransmitters (chemical messengers) that regulates stress mood and appetite and are being investigated for a possible role in eating disorders. Three specific interests of abnormalities of the activities are serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. Serotonin is involved with the well-being, anxiety and appetite and norepinephrine is a stress hormone. Dopamine is involved with reward seeking behavior. People with anorexia have increased activity of the brains dopamine receptors. The over activity may explain why people with anorexia do not experience a sense of pressure with food and other typical comforts, like unable to feel comfortable in their own skin.

I can relate a lot to not being able to feel comfortable in my own skin, whether it has to do with low self esteem or caring to much how people perceive me. During periods or in cultures where female independence has been possible, the standard of a female attractiveness tends toward thin. The response of the media to the cultural drive for thinness and the overproduction of food both play major roles in triggering obesity and eating disorders. You never see teen idols being fat, you portray them as skinny and beautiful and a lot of us wanted to be just like them when we were growing up, well at least I did. Ever since I was a little girl I made sure I wasn’t “fat”. But while doing that was I ever happy? Was I ever okay with Alicia for who Alicia was? Or is that why I put on a mask and hide behind how I really felt with drugs?

With questions still left unanswered I continued to act out and my behavior was uncontrollable. If I wasn’t doing drugs excessively I was exercising way more than what was “normal”. If I wasn’t binging and indulging in my food to the point where I felt guilt and wanted to puke, I was on some insane diet and would spend half my time on the scale hoping I would go down a few pounds. Like they say you will pick up one addiction for another. I have gotten pretty good at that. It came to a point in my life where I had no hope left and was forced to see a Psychiatrist and a therapist. I was still attempting to get clean and I was just a wreck. I never really felt depressed I always was going, going, going. Soon enough I was diagnosed with bipolar, multiple personality disorder. I am not going to lie, I took this a bit hard and I am still in denial about it. Already my self-esteem was not very high at all, knowing I had an “eating disorder”, a drug problem and now on top of this I have bipolar disorder? What else could possibly be wrong with me? 

I was told I had to start taking meds and right from the beginning I was totally against it. The only thought I had was “Of course I am bipolar and have mood swings, I’m coming down, I am cranky and all I want is another hit”. I guess the doctor knows best and can see past all that right? This all happened at a point in my life where I have hit bottom and was willing to do anything and listen to anyone to make the way I felt go away. We tried different meds at different doses but what I ended up taking permanently was Lithium and Seroquell. Within about two months I gained a lot of weight. I then refused my meds and went directly for drugs. I went on a binge and landed myself in another drug program. I was not willing to gain weight no matter if it was going to help “save my life”.  My last program convinced me to be on my meds and that they would allow me to go running everyday so that I would feel better about trying them again. I did well, I stuck it out for three months and then decided I wanted to try life without the meds but while still in a program that way I had support. Sure enough a month later I got kicked out of program once again for my behavior.

 The root of all my “problems” all boils down to me. I need to be absolutely willing to do anything to change. I feel like I can’t, I feel like I am sicker than others. It’s not that I do not want to change my old behaviors and my bad habits. If I want to recover from my addictions I have to be willing to change just one thing about myself, and that is everything. I just need to stop trying to put things to an end; I just need to do it.